We sat over lunch and i explained to him succinctly and as best as my mouth could muster that it was simply not working. For many reasons, i mean i could count 1-50 why it wasn't. I had with my littlest of patience (which i don't have by the way) and convinced myself if i could just be a little not selfish, if i could understand more, if i could learn to live with other's faults that this might just work. After all one day i could live with him forever and would learn to live with his idiosity (sic).
I looked at him, nothing had changed. It was on his face, the innocence, as usual kept quiet even never one to raise voice even when i was a hysterical bitch (that one is from Rebekita soap, you know where Eduardo says i could never marry a hysterical bitch like you).
But it reaches a point where no matter how patience, how much you fear being alone, you realize its that time. you know your life will never be the same again, it will either be better or worse without them you have to take shoes and run, hata kama ni bata ngoma.
You think its better to be played (of course there is the saying that even the one who said better to love and have lost never ever went through that) than the indifference. But nothing is worse than the other being played, being absent, nothing. Ok i am starting to sound "cry baby"
When its no longer there, its not, when trust, confidence is gone, you meet and there is nothing to talk. And believe you me, some of us who are chatter boxes there is no day there is nothing to talk about so when its finally that time, well you gotta go.
So the usual motions of "after", you get buried in something, work, friends, you even contemplate changing numbers then realize you had a life even before this person and now you can actually sit on someone's laps in the hang with no fear his friends could be watching. You buy less chocolates because there is no more that stress that makes you want to eat 4 snickers between 5 and 7 when he had said you would meet and suddenly work comes first!
And the calls start to come and you can't pick them because they don't mean nothing. No matter what they say you have made up your mind and there is no turning back. Like i have said i don't exactly forgive and forget, i just forgive. And then one day you foolishly think it can work out and you try and the same old behaviours resurface and this time you are out for good.
So its been 1 1/2 years, my life has radically changed. My view on life has taken a 360 turn. I have had a rough year no doubt, i have handled all my downs entirely alone because i have an amazing ability to look perfectly fine in the middle of a crisis. There are days i sat on my bed thinking what it was it going to be and how exactly i was gonna go from there and had the worst of nights sometimes not even sleeping well.
Then it hits me its that time again, when the traces of the last relationship are so gone and all you have left is a vacuum.
