Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Celebrities Wanted ASAP

I must be really bored. I googled Kenyan Celebrities. I got one here, i don't even know here. So it means we are lacking in celebrities. And you know what on top are pictures of Angelina Jolie et al. Kwani when did Angie become Kenyan, she hasn't adopted any Kenyan POOR CHILD you know ingalau maybe Kenyan by parenting.

One of the most hit websites must Because people love reading about others. So now i think we should get a school for celebrities. Give them makeovers (remove excess fat, long broad nose, big ears, chubby cheeks, too big bottoms) yaani all undesirables have to go. How can we have only one celebrity. Not fair!

Anyway i am really not feeling well now a story to be told to the children in the series "How i met your dad". Me i have drama for four seasons plus adding the producer's extras i can make 6 seasons of "Kids this is how i met your dad". I have not met their dad so that would make it 12 seasons of how i met your dad. aaih am i feeling famous already?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I was going

to think this could not have been a worse day. So I sought refuge on the World Wide Web,
I thought there was conspiracy against me in real and virtual world

You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.

Monday, October 22, 2007

This is why i am laughing

Hot and Cold

A woman who my mother knew
came in and took of all her clothes

Said I, not being very old,
"By golly, gosh you must be cold"

"No,no!" She cried Indeed "I'm not
I am devilishly hot!"

Roald Dahl

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

It takes more than a pretty face

To sell.

So yesterday i went hunting for a phone.

I met thesebeautiful gals at a shop.

I picked up this phone which i thought was kinda cheap but had all good features.

I asked them the very basic questions, aki they should have been subjected to EGM;

"How many phone book entries"

The more pretty one replied

" It can write i think 250 words"

I ask again

" I mean the phone book"

The less pretty one (beautiful but not as the first) intervened
"I think it can store 400"

So i ask
"What about text messages"

The more pretty says
"250 words"


The less pretty one intervenes again

" It depend on the length of the sms"


I tell them i am asking about the inbox

The less pretty (TLP) says
"I think 20"

Asi!I think to myself even the Motorola V2288 i once owned did better [20?]

My first phone.

I tell them i am not sure

"Ok i think 40 messages but it all depends on the length of the text, you can write more than one sms and then it will be .........." TLP says

I stopped there.

Just incase i asked whether it had blue tooth and i was told

"Apana hii haina meno"

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Dear diary

Tuesday 1700hours
Its the Moi day eve, fellows are excited. They have packed up the town, they wont go home, its holiday tomorrow so i also won't. I am gonna join them [the drinkers club].,I think i won't work 1 more second, so i get out to go somewhere, anywhere. I scroll my book wherever i can find the peoples. then they start calling, i reply with non commital voice. I want to freely choose with who and where i want to be.

I stupidly end up hanging with two guys who both don't know what position each hold in my life. They joke about it. One say he is miscellaneous. I don't confirm anything. Its not my business, yet i enjoy every minute of it, the tension,the silent competition. I do these things once in a while. I don't know if its ego stuff [maybe it is]

19.00 hrs
I didn't mean to play any games

I am in another sneaky place where my boys might have some fun. They though won't concentrate on the fun. I am starting to get bored

The fun has not started.

The fun kinda start but as i said i am already bored. But i suddenly got energy. There is this song that makes me want to dance but the existing dancers are better than i. Considering also they have no fat content, so what is this i eat that i don't? Anyway the boys are getting interested in the dancers [phew].

I think these boys have forgotten all about me, now they have moved closer to the dancers and are looking at them with these hungry eyes. [now i know why men are the same]. I think i will text someone, to indicate i might just be bored. Ok i won't.

I should be asleep but i am kinda very sacrificing so i let the boys have their fun. There is nothing funny about zerofat content gals.

I have had it. They are moving to the next level and i am not about to watch. Anyway there is so much evil in the air. I think i should never have come here in the first place. One of the boys has got himself good company. He is enjoying. He is not leaving he says, the show has just beg[a]un. I can't hold it anymore i sleep.

I start walking out

On my way home [yippee]. The driver is playing the Late Chibalonzas songs something about don't choose the devil and such things. I am remorseful and call Santa Maria for forgiveness for the things i have not done. The drinkers club is going home, they are all singing along"Yesu eeh nakupenda". I am touched.

I regret my actions from 1700hrs-0300hrs.

This is extraordinarily funny

even this one

a little nonsense

Is cherished from time to time.

So today i was in a mat with this guy[who i had just met] so there is this bongo song by Ali Kiba [i think] which has a line

"Ulinitesa sana,sababu nilikupenda wajua, kijijini huko kigomaa, Leo niko dar, alinipenda nishamuoa, " or something like that and also "ulinitesa kigomaa"

Lovely song though tskindafuckinghardtomasterthosekiswahililyrics. And the boy is deliciously delicious.

Anyway the dude got touched and he started telling me that he had a wife who he married when they were poor and when she got rich, she left him and surprise the wife is a Mchagga [the tz equivalent of kikuyus] and on top of that has refused to divorce. So he told me
he would substitute the words for "Ulinitesa huko Kangemi".

Now i know there are so many things to be cynical about from the cynic himself

But i suddenly felt that i needed to laugh not at him, not at the song, but juz bcuz it was funny. here i am enjoying the latest hit from the bongoland and a man so relates a song to his circumstances.

No wonder i love bongo.

They have a way with their words like this one

"Sema kweli unachotaka mami, sema kweli unachotaka hunny, wachana mawazo kishetani, ukiniacha mimi nitabaki na nani, nakutafuta nione sura yako nakutamani uuh baby" Doggman mimi nakupenda


Mi ni mshamba wa mapenzi. Now how do you come up with such?

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Raila Vs Kibaki

Well it seems the devils of politics are with us again for the rest of the year.

And me i am for Kibaki for obvious reasons;

  • He has done the donkey work of moving us from point A to between point A and B.
  • He is security. I am sure he will not wake up and pull a Mugabe on us
  • Kenya will never be the same again
Not that he is the best leader. Infact Raila is a better leader than him in terms of decisiveness and do i say eloquence and all that jazz.

This country has been saved from eruption by 1. Kenyatta who though did nothing to correct colonial injustices, helped us move forward. 2. Moi, despite his 24 years of magnanimous misrule and plunder ensured we did not have a civil war. 3. Kibaki, post Moi should have been a time for revenge et al, we won't have moved an inch if that what he settled on.

Now it is clear, the civil service is back on track at least, even Matatus (repeat) are observing the white lines otherwise known as zebra crossing,

Dear Kenyans, it is only important to know, no president would do anything to our pockets. We have to work. Countries like the old US consists of people who work sometimes for more than 20 hours on a daily basis to meet their goals.

I think it is only fair that we don't be like the masses who crucified Jesus to ask for the clemency of that Barnabas.

Friday, October 05, 2007

When its over

We sat over lunch and i explained to him succinctly and as best as my mouth could muster that it was simply not working. For many reasons, i mean i could count 1-50 why it wasn't. I had with my littlest of patience (which i don't have by the way) and convinced myself if i could just be a little not selfish, if i could understand more, if i could learn to live with other's faults that this might just work. After all one day i could live with him forever and would learn to live with his idiosity (sic).

I looked at him, nothing had changed. It was on his face, the innocence, as usual kept quiet even never one to raise voice even when i was a hysterical bitch (that one is from Rebekita soap, you know where Eduardo says i could never marry a hysterical bitch like you).

But it reaches a point where no matter how patience, how much you fear being alone, you realize its that time. you know your life will never be the same again, it will either be better or worse without them you have to take shoes and run, hata kama ni bata ngoma.

You think its better to be played (of course there is the saying that even the one who said better to love and have lost never ever went through that) than the indifference. But nothing is worse than the other being played, being absent, nothing. Ok i am starting to sound "cry baby"

When its no longer there, its not, when trust, confidence is gone, you meet and there is nothing to talk. And believe you me, some of us who are chatter boxes there is no day there is nothing to talk about so when its finally that time, well you gotta go.

So the usual motions of "after", you get buried in something, work, friends, you even contemplate changing numbers then realize you had a life even before this person and now you can actually sit on someone's laps in the hang with no fear his friends could be watching. You buy less chocolates because there is no more that stress that makes you want to eat 4 snickers between 5 and 7 when he had said you would meet and suddenly work comes first!

And the calls start to come and you can't pick them because they don't mean nothing. No matter what they say you have made up your mind and there is no turning back. Like i have said i don't exactly forgive and forget, i just forgive. And then one day you foolishly think it can work out and you try and the same old behaviours resurface and this time you are out for good.

So its been 1 1/2 years, my life has radically changed. My view on life has taken a 360 turn. I have had a rough year no doubt, i have handled all my downs entirely alone because i have an amazing ability to look perfectly fine in the middle of a crisis. There are days i sat on my bed thinking what it was it going to be and how exactly i was gonna go from there and had the worst of nights sometimes not even sleeping well.

Then it hits me its that time again, when the traces of the last relationship are so gone and all you have left is a vacuum.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

If i had Harry Potters Cloak

Just for a moment imagine wearing that cloak of Harry Potter and then you are suddenly invisible and you can go anywhere and listen to people's conversations without them seeing that you are. Ooh men i would have a ball!

  1. Your ex, do you know what he/she says about you, would you like to know, maybe, maybe not. if its maybe, get a cloak lol.
  2. And all those days your husband/boyfriend keeps you waiting endlessly with the "i am working late". And you know spy services are not cheap either, don't you wish you could get the cloak and search, enter rooms, hotels and see whats been upto. But then again if he is just in the office, lose cloak and own up!
  3. Me, i would like to get to the President and Cabinet meetings and the Raila ones. I wonder what they discuss. Lets go spread leaflets all over Rift Valley and Central province. What really happens when cooking Anglo leasing, i can only imagine" Wewe Mwiraria ndio utasign hapa na ukiulizwa useme ni PS".
  4. Then i would snoop into conversations of Nairobians. These people know everything, you want to know who killed who where, they know, who is sleeping with whose husbands,they know, Damn how good it would be, it would make my blog more interesting. Unfortunately, snooping is healthy for writing
  5. Then i would hit somebody's head from above and they would never know its me, brilliant me! Or slap their butt from behind (dayum). Ad have so much fun, somebody stop me!!
  6. Then i would never queue. Infact i would never queue
  7. Then i would scare people, yaani once i am infront of you, i toa the cloak, which kipindi is this?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

This was good

I managed at last to attend the Kwani open Mic at Club Soundd yesterday and i had fun. Most poets rocked and the artistes were quite good.

I felt like dotting a poem and reciting it that minute so i wrote two lines

If you can go through the rigours of life
And not lose the humour of.....
or the memoires (?) of time

and then i was blank. I couldn't even rhyme the second sentence. Those guys did have it! And smitta was a bit funny with Fourteen fones.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


For some reasons i decided to put every Kenyan from under Fantastic!

I forget they are the most tribal people around East Africa. Infact they are so fantastic that every time some other tribe person hears my name i am warned of the repercussions come next year when the "said" people will come into power. That is the one hot day in hell when they will.

I have even forgotten they keep on shoving me on the streets, i mutter to myself that maybe they are in such a hurry that in the next one minute they could lose all and peace comes to mind. Maybe i should learn to body bump them too.

And even when they assume i should pay a bribe or two to do the work someone has been employed to do. I think its all fantastic after all why not, they are poorly paid civil servants who deserve extra coins.

Keep driving at 180km/hr and then blame the transport minister. The Fantastic matatu/personal drivers. how can you even tell the difference anymore? We have to get home drunk/sober at 80km/hr or 180km/hr and even when we cause accidents it is because of the transport ministry. I totally AGREE, its the ministry.

I would imagine a situation when i did not have anyone to blame. It would make me uncool.

I have nothing for the things they do to make my life easier like not keep the queues if no one is supervising. How else? Jumping the queue is totally cool, why wait when you can jump?

and also even if nobody can understand your mother tongue, why bother to talk in English or Swahili?