Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Guys, girls there is a maybe not so new dating game that has been going on in Nairobi. A while back, you would get the occassional question "what is clandestine?". Then the word Clande was coined and it's almost immortalized now. I have heard severally guys say I am just his/her clande.
First signs
You go out with this guy/girl for a few times, a while later after engaging in nocturnal activities, guy /girl asks "What does this mean" guy/girl answers "We are just having fun"
Take it from me, that means you are just a clande. Just in case, i ask you again.
It has been assumed by many gals that once a guy has kissed and taken it from there, it is meant to grow from there to a blossoming faithful loving relationship. If after that act, the relationship seems to stunt, well it is possible that you really are just having fun. There you have it!
On a personal note, once that word we are just having fun has been mentioned i know it is really time to run if i was thinking there was potential for anything (stop reading too much into it) other than a clande relationship. I remember one day a guy i inivited over for lunch, said that magical Let's have fun and this was my answer
"I really like you, if anything ever happens between us I would keep calling you and chasing after you..".He he he just to say that is the last time i heard of that word Let's have fun from him. In other words if someone wants to be a clande and you don't want the best thing is to scare them with commitment stuff.
How did something as clandestine as clande become so widespread?
Many people really don't have time for monogamy. My friends last friday told me, it is a crime for a man to spell the word monogamy. Of course those who are monogamous will not agree. Unfortunately/fortunately for women who profess to love sex (many) clande provides a chance to stay with the nice man who can't really hit it well for emotional needs and have the bad boy who does it for you.
Everybody wins!
Of course like in other things, there is always a thorn in the rose
STDs and especially AIDS can be spread easily where partners do not protect themselves -which would really be foolish
Psychos can haunt you and your ass especially when you do not want a further monogamous relationship
I am going to lift shamelessly some stuff now from the only facebook group dedicated to Certified Clandes
How to know you are just a clande (those that i found funny and serious). Most of them are interesting if you have the time to read.
  • You dial your number on his phone only to realize you are saved as Michael Joseph
  • The only place you have been with him/her is a cheap lodging
  • You don't know how his/her house directions coz you have only been there at night
  • Goes AWOL on holidays
  • You can dress up and leave in less than 20secs (huh)
  • Dude doesn't hide the fact another mama was in his house previously
  • He doesn't care if you have a boyfriend or not and viceversa
  • You are always doing the calling/texting (sounds simple)
  • When the dude only screws you in the dark, preferrably with you facing away from him (yaani chora saba) then you's definitely a what? C L A N D E!! (from Archer, i sold you for 20pence)
  • You have to carry a change of clothes-that or you rewind
    Your toothbrush at her/his place ni hizo za ten bob...it gets worse when you have to carry it coz significant other is comin over later...WTF do you want me to do with a ten bob toothbrush?worst case scenario is you keep buyin those toothbrushes...clandestine! (edited for clarity)
  • When you keep brushing shoulders and not saying a word to each other when in public but end up in the same bed later.still not saying anything to each other
  • Apparently Big sized handbags are clande apparel
  • When every chick who calls or hugs onto him in the club is an ex or buggin him ....you are part of one big happy clande family
  • Ati a jamaa amekusave as TQ 1,TQ 2...(Thirst Quencher 1, Thirst Quencher 2) ....u are just but a...(not edited)
As for the rules;
  1. Thou shall not fall in love
  2. Thou shall wait to be called
  3. Thou shall perform your "duties" diligently
  4. Thou shall not nag nor whine
  5. Thou have no claim to her or him
  6. Thou shall never ever call him at home
  7. Do not ask, never complain, never explain
  8. Thou shall not give him/her an affectionate title in your phone book
  9. Thou shall not discuss him/her with pals.
  10. Thou shall not question his/her action
  11. Thou shall be sharp to understand monotone answers 


  1. Very interesting, now I actually know why this "just having fun" thing would never work for me, only rule number 3 is fine with me.

  2. Chic, this was so sad to read and yet funny at the same time. issshhh the games people play.

  3. Do the clandez actually sit down and discuss those rules?

  4. Oh this is hilarious... I've always wondered about those huge handbags.