Violence in the family

How do you deal with an issue of domestic violence in your household?

 

Of course the first knee jerk reaction people have is Leave him. And anyway it is the most sensible thing to do is leave him/her. I have been following this Chrihanna debacle. I think it's clear that Chris Brown did actually attack Rihanna mercilessly at that. There are many arguments that followed including she gave him herpes or he was reading a text from a jump off and he started hitting her blah blah. That is not the issue. Violence is never an option. Ever. Ever.

 

So what happens when you meet a guy who batters you on a daily basis or as he wishes, do you leave, do you stay. It is always easy to assume you will just wake up and leave but folks i am about to dissapoint you. Love is not a fickle thing. Did you hear Rihanna wants to see her beater desperately...

 

I will use my example. I am the first born. When i discovered my dad was violent, i was in Standard Three, i was a mere 8 year old. I won't go to the excruciating details because they are just about too painful. But on that day i was present and it was in his car. I do not remember what it was about. My sis was 6 then and my brother just months old. So what should my mom done

Leave.

 

She was not working at the time because those days women quit their jobs oftenly to look after their kids. I am not saying that all women who quit their jobs end up in violent marriages, but i would exercise caution while quitting my job to take care of a family. There are some men who actually respect women and their decision to quit their jobs. And no amount of dating would ever pre-empt the fact that your man is probably a violent one.

 

*Derailer alert*

 

I was in the mat the other day, so the driver due to traffic decides to take another route instead of the normal one. What ensued really disturbed me. I can't handle violence. The men decided they were going to beat the tout. One certain man went for that guy's neck, literally. I was too sad for the situation. If that man whose face haunts me asked me for friendship, i would not offer him such a luxury.

 

My point, watch out for small signals. One day my friend's boyfriend beat up a waiter, i think those are clear signals. If someone can beat an insignificant person in his life like a waiter, woe unto you, what will he do to you once you are married. Especially where the issue is really petty..

 

Anyway my main issue is what do you do when violence abounds in your family?

For one i am sure my mom would never have offered a better life for us alone.

Every kid deserves two parents where it is possible

We would probably have blamed her for leaving our dad

 

The minute two people are joined together in marriage, there are several issues that play apart from the two. Do you just abandon your family, where do you start, how will you start, the depression that could ensue.

 

And yet the psychological scars of living in a violent household are deep scathing. You never notice it because you think it's fine. The first signs you get is the inability to form healthy relationships because you build a wall of defence. People would always ask me why i was always on the defensive. The thing is i had never noticed i was on the defensive.

 

I decided to deal with issue publicly because i knew a lot of people probably have been victims of domestic violence. The other thing you might always do is always blaming others for your problems. If a relationship does not work, could it have something to do with you? You are always quick to point out the faults in that other person and yet it could have been you all the time. The opposite of this is now the people who believe everything is their fault. You find yourself obsessing over details at night because you probably think it is your fault something didn't work.

 

I could not let you into my life to an extent that you felt comfortable with me. I always thought that if someone knew what it is i had gone through, they would not appreciate the strong person i pose to be. I am learning slowly to accept that it is ok to show emotions, to be who i am, to let people love you. There is a time i didn't believe that it was possible for someone to just love me, JUST. I rarely would tell people i loved them, even when i did. Someone once begged me to tell them. I just couldn't. Yet i know there are people always ready to say I love you even when they don't mean it.

 

Anyway back to the issues; what is the best way to deal with violence. Pray that your man will change, Leave him, Love him and tell everyone that the black eye was caused by you falling down the stairs.

 

On a personal level, i would leave and have you arrested. And that is not a bluff. But how do you explain to the kids that you just did their dad in. By the way most horrible husbands are good fathers (not always). I can tell you for sure, i probably would not leave with my mum, i never did eventually. Do you discuss things with your kids and ask them to choose where they would be most comfortable..

 

I have too much questions in my head which i cannot answer.

 

 

 

 

Can you keep a Secret-Part Deux

 

This week is all about mwa. So don't patient out

Part 1 here http://sylkwan.blogspot.com/2006/08/can-you-keep-secret.html

1.  I listen to Amy Winehouse "You Know I'm no Good" several times a day-play, replay. She is like the most amazing artiste of our times. Too bad she is a hot mess. Crack and all is not doing her justice. Get off them Ms. Wino and make music!
2. I know most of Britney Spears songs lyrics and all. Been a fan since '99. I don't judge artistes.
3. I was to get rid of celebrity gossip blogs but work can be boring such that Nicole Kidman having a botox become extremely interesting news. How else would i know Chris aka Rihanna beater is known CBreezy. How interesting can a celeb tossing out garbage,I need to do something. I really should have an opportunity to call someone treckalicious (train +Wreck)
4. I once gave a bribe. Making out in public parks is an offence right? Stop looking at me with those eyes:)
5. I am really sleepy right now
6. I am kinda defiant.I hate rules. I like to draft the rules for others to follow, but not me. I kinda shoot straight to the hip, i know some people don't like it but if you are looking for advice, i am very sober.
7. I believe in natural intuition. If i can't connect with someone naturally, i don't force. I am kinda lazy on working on stuff, so they better work themselves out 80%.
8. On number 7, i have always easily gotten stuff. Like i didn't have to read so hard in school to pass. Once i start writing , it  just comes to my head. I have never have had to really work for something. People like me without no effort on my part. On the other hand i have watched people work so hard to even establish relationships, pass school and just to get ahead in life.
9. I have most of my friend's numbers in my head such that when i lose a phone, i don't lose much in terms of contacts. I remember very trivial details.
10. I just don't forget events unless i have purposed to.
11. I remember most of what i dream. I kinda interpret my dreams. Like i have kept dreaming about rejection from a certain person, it is so scary yet i know these dreams are very true. They say you can know that someone is your Mr. Right just from paying more attention to your dreams about them.
12. I can think. Yes i can. Then find someone else to implement what i think. We will both be very successful. Don't expect me to do both.
13. It really took me a lot of time to know that i could be creative. I never fancied myself as creative. The other day i sat down to write fiction, i was shocked, i wrote for a whole afternoon. Sadly my computer got a virus and i lost the story.
14. Ther is a gal i have known since 2000, no matter how long we are apart, when we sit down to talk, it's always as if we have never been apart for a single day.
15. I talk to myself a lot, not loudly like a looney, just in my head.

 

We are 18 Again

And boy aren't we excited!

 

REFLECTIONS

You know they say sometimes you have to face the past. TMI i know. I am gonna come clean any way.I am 27 years old tommorow, Only 27. Like 27 Years old from now i will be 54. I am really young. I thank His Almighty, him up there for the love and guidance.

 

So i was reading somewhere, that you have to face the past. I just ignore it. Somehow i hope after writing this i will be a better not bitter person.

 

As much as i hated being a child, i have realized that the innocence you have when you are one, is the kind that should be preserved for years on end. Because when my eyes opened to the world, i was done. It hit me that my folks had a tumultous relationship. My relatives were of the worst breed (on my paternal side). Somehow i just wonder how is it i turned out to be this bubbly person. I have about the most positive energy i know and it is not pretentious. I have a big heart and i share it with people. What i cannot tolerate are bad relationships of any kind. Let me repeat that; i cannot tolerate bad relationships. Be it with my parents, friends or lovers. I have this mantra that runs in my life; I only need my soul to survive:)

 

Chapter !: 3-10 years

 

My relationship with my mum was not exactly the best. Let me be honest at this point i do not think i have ever had an extremely good relationship with my mum on a daughter-mum basis ( anyway i will get to that). My dad at this point treated my mum horribly, but we all didn't know :(. My mum has inlaws from hell. One of the reasons why i just don't feel the need to marry young is because you are always so vulnerable.  Picture this you are trying to grow up and you have children growing up and a bad marriage. I love my dad to bits but i cannot exactly vouch for him as a good husband. My mum is super strong. If i were her, i would probably be dead and buried or suffering from a bad form of depression. The way i get depressed by small stuff. I think i have been open on this blog before; my dad was the violent kind. He never hit us kids, but he hit my mum. We were scared of my dad, he was always shouting at us, so any time he came in we would scatter. Let me clarify; my dad has since changed and no he did not get saved:).

 

One thing i knew is that i would never want to be an unhappy person. I would never let anyone treat me badly.

 

11-20 years

 

This time around tables had turned. My dad and I at this point had a bad relationship because by then i was old enough to realize that he had been treating my mum badly. My mum told me so much stuff, i think she was suffering so much that she had no one else to turn to but a 12 year old. I lost my innocence at this point. I began to see my dad for what he really was and he began to notice. We quarreled badly, i was very defiant. I did not see why he needed to exact control over everyone. We fought, i told him stuff, he threatened to beat me up, he never did.

 

20-Now

 

My mum at this point left our house. She did not tell me why she left. I merely existed at this point. I was in campus taking two courses. I barely passed my third year. I was drinking heavily:(. I rarely talked to anyone about what was happening. Anyway most of my friends were really obsessed with themselves and what was going on in their lives and our interests were boys and other stuff. . My relationships suffered. Then I began to face real resistance from my paternal relatives. Whereas all along, my mother took the brunt of it all, i was left exposed with a father who would always take no sides. Left to fend and defend my siblings, i had no other alternative, i had to fight and hard.  They thought they could come to our house, stay as they wished, say whatever they wanted and basically rule.  My paternal grandmother decided that children should go with their mother and she did not hide that fact. Well she said it too loudly. What they had not prepared for is my strong backlash. I fought them one by one until they surrendered. I was branded an enemy and a bad person ( like i would give a damn!). At the end of the battle was renewed respect. Nobody comes to our house without notice and even then after one day you are expected to be on your way out unless there is a reason why not and i have personally asked you to stay.You mind your business; i mind mine. Let's not confuse those facts.

 

 

How bad relationships affected my life

 

1. I was continuously tired- My back and neck pained all the time. I had to really exercise to get rid of this problem.
2. I entered into bad relationships- I lacked the energy to form good relationships. At this point bad boys become very attractive. My friends were not exactly helping
3. I lost that focus- I had always known what i wanted in life. But especially in campus, i did other things more than i studied. Due to the void that was left at home, i found an escape especially in alcohol and clubs. I escaped from reality so much, but that was though good for me.
4. I was always taking care of other people-My mum, my siblings. I kinda got this thing that i had to be there and listen, offer advice. But at the end of the day you are so drained, you have nothing to offer yourself. You take less care of yourself and this can be reflected even in your appearance, dressing and such. It took  me a lot of time s

What i have learnt

1. Despite how your life has been, tomorrow is a new day. You can chose to be bitter or live. I choose to live.
2. Always read self development material- You never know how sick you can be. People think those books are useless, but i have read loads of them. How to form good relationships with people always look so much like common sense should tell you but the truth is, what if you have never been shown how to.
3. Read, read, read- If nothing else. Of course and write.
4. Always to thank God for what i have and work for what i don't have- I think i had a dose of low self esteem at some point, after all when your parents are fighting, love for everyone else takes the backseat. My mom was so involved in her problems that most of the time she was just quarreling us for things we had not done. Todate i cannot call my mum for advice or just to talk my normal life with her. I don't blame her. I have a blog
5. Maybe someone's reading and just wondering so what you have had a bad life, it wasn't entirely bad. My parents are still very responsible especially where finances and education are concerned. I still live in my dad's house free of charge. Me and my siblings have a very good relationship. i don't know how we managed to have our entirely different life from what my parents had. Nobody treats us badly mainly because we protect ourselves really. ooh and Boarding school helped.
6. It is good to take charge of your family, if you don't others will trample on it. This is especially true for men.If you don't, you will regret it.
7. Don't marry young,  the twenties are still the best years of my single life. And all those pressurizing me to get married/your clock is ticking, i suggest you get a life. Leave mine alone. If my clock ticks, it ticks on me, not you. Would you shut up already!
8. You don't have to take crap from anyone. This universe prouds itself of 6 billion people.
9. Some people just won't change. Don't force them to. If someone is not responsible, they might never be.
10. Patience is overrated. Get a life now already!

One last thing, I feel so good.

 

That must have been the longest post i ever did and i have said about 0.02%. Somebody get me a book deal.

 

I need a thing to do on my last day as a 26 year old. I am done piercing my ears. Maybe i should get a bikini wax not. Give me suggestions please..

 

 

 

Things about girls that can be explained

1. Why girls tag along on dates

You prolly think it's stupid. Which it is. Why would a mature gal tag her
best friend and others for a date that was meant to be yours only.
It's because she thinks you are boring or thinks she needs the backup
incase you turn to be a serial murderer/stalker. She wants to test if you
are really that boring.It's this simple. If yes, she has an exit plan.
*If no, she loses the friends.*

2.Why girls throw tantrums

I was having a talk on my friend and she was telling me how she throws
tantrums if her boy shows other chics attention. By the way PMS is also
real. Just in case you were wondering. I am not talking about abuses, i am
talking about sulking and complaining about everything generally. This
conversation may ensue;

Girl:You don't buy me anything these days
Boy: Really
Girl: Infact when is the last time you called me
(doesn't wait for answer)
Girl: So why did you receive texts from that chic
Boy: I can't help, she just texts me
Girl: Call her, tell her not to text you anymore
Boy: You know i can't do that
Girl: You don't love me, that's why

*Girls hate to lose control*.

3.Crying over Ronaldinho...or Thierry Henry

Seriously he isn't even cute. All girls could say was haa, that hair!
Seriously THAT HAIR! *AND* it was the World cup. That was not the point
really. *We hardly understand football*

4. She disappears on you in the club
Dude seriously..you are clande. It's called the disappearance act.

5.Pretending we can't cook

We might not be able to whip out lasagna de la...you get it but certainly
80% of the women folk know how to cook. This is .ke really. Don't get
fooled. We just don't want to do it before *YOU PUT A RING ON IT.*

6.Sex and the city, lipstick jungle, desperate housewives, gossip girls,
cosmopolitan, true love, sex and the city ( i know) and all other books and
magazines dedicated to women.

I and myself is a great lover of chic lit and flicks....

These are dating and life bibles. Just incase you did not know.

7. Why there is one dancing style

Seriously this one beats me. I am actually convinced there could be a place
in Nairobi people check in to practice styles on the next club banger.
Gyrating hips, move left right, bend down..you get the drift. Remember the
obsessions? What would we have done without our waists.

8. Shoes and clothes

Why would someone want a whole closet of shoes? Well Imelda Marcos certainly
did start the pace. But have you ever walked by a shoe shop and seen all
those shoes that could look nice on your feet ok awesome on your feet. I am
not even a shoe freak and i still get so moved by cute shoes.

9. Its Me and Me only

Which part of Me don't you understand.

10. Sci-Fi, football, changing tyres,
Uuh?

11.Tyra Banks, Oprah, La Mujer de la.....(dedicated to M)
The shoes, the clothes, the jewellery, the makeovers. That's why. Ooh and
the menaresuchlosers..Mr. right still exists. Oxymoron?

12.ATTENTION
We love attention. We love attention. We love attention. Especially from
guys we like

13. What is whining

We don't whine, we only express our disgust at your bad behaviour in a
shrieking loud voice. Expression not whining not nagging.

The Valentine...

Yesterday i had an extremely desperate thought or rather my friend said I did;

 

Out of the world's population, someone is going to be without a Valentine :)

 

Now i am googling what fraction of the world population constitutes men. Only i end up busting at these particular question;

 

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

 

And this one

How many more men are there in the world than woman?

 

Seriously I am about to ask;

How many stupid people are trolling on the net without learning basic English?

 

"derailer alert"

 

Women in general have a problem in choosing their mates because men got the priority to take this role first. Probably this is the elimination method;

 

Too short

Too fat

Too broke

Too tall

Too boring

Too talkative

 

And then there is of course the Mr. He is Just not that into You. The character that was supposedly invented by Greg Behrendt(Yeah i just spelt his name correctly) and Liz Tucillo. As is usual with all kind of inventions, the returns have been astronomical.Soaring books sales and movie tickets. A while ago us gals were sent all kind of signs;

 

He is not picking up your phone

He is not calling/texting back

He hardly spends any time with you

He seems distant when called

 

For years and years, gals could never invent a suitable name for this guy. So they haunted, stalked this guy hoping that he would change.

 

Until Greg had a Eureka moment! He just is not that into you!Wow

 

The movie is now a list topper and Ken Kwapis is the latest name as far as directing a movie. What is sad though the movie was not here in time for the Valentine.

 

The Mr. He is just that into You just regained the position supremo. And how did this guy become so famous? You know they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The Mr. Not into you's journey starts with very good intentions, only halfway there he realizes he jumped on the wrong train. But you know the Mr. Not into you just doesn't jump off the train, he knows it's dangerous to. He sends mixed signs. One day he is Mr. So into you the next day he is Mr. whuthufukareyou.

 

Then there is the player

Do you remember Vivica Fox?

I am sure you can hardly remember the last time you heard her name. This is the same time the Player was in vogue. I can remember a few movies;

The player

Getting played

Chasing papi

Two can play this game

 

Then the player got boring or accepted as he is. I don't know which one happened first. So why should i talk about the player if nobody cares.

 

The Stalker

There is the Mr. Just not into you, then there is the Ms. Just that not into you. The problem is that a diagnosis was done for the Mr. not the Ms. So men are still for a book to diagnose the same for them. it is not happening. Men don't lose, and that is all there is to it. So Mr. can't accept she just is not that into you starts the stalking.

You get 30 missed calls, don't answer any.

You switch off your phone and get 20 text messages of apologies

Everywhere you go; there he is

Woe unto you, if he knows your workplace

 

Let's just say this one is scary. He starts off being so nice that would put the best performing husband into shame. He does all the right things, picks you up, call you every morning and five other times during the day. In his world, you are a princess/queen OR SO YOU THINK. I have gained mad respect for the usual Kenyan man.

 

So he gains edge into your space, while keeping his distant. Then you get bored. Nice is boring. When you start moving away the Mr. Stalker shows his real side. He calls you names one day and spends the next day apologizing.

There is only one thing you can do; stay away from him. He could physically harm you.

 

THE USUAL KENYAN MAN

My favourite.

When it gets to the stage of him doing some things for you, it could be 2 years since you started dating. He takes his time to know you and others, then finally settles on you.

 

 

 

 

 

The "ME" syndrome

 

Sometimes i like to stare at people and just learn a few things. Like i am at the bus stop and people are waiting for a bus when suddenly one comes and they start pushing and shoving each other just to make sure they are the first to board the bus. It's called the scarcity mentality, that there are not enough buses so i have to shove and push everyone else to get on that bus. Normally i will just watch until everyone has gotten in and if there is space remaining, i will hop in, else i will just wait for another bus.

 

if there is something that is prevalent in Nairobi and i guess all other cities is generally the "ME" syndrome. The one that makes the speaker think he would rather live in a palatial residence when everyone else can barely have their needs met. In the estate i live, many people drive their own cars, hardly would you get a lift from anyone just because it is raining or stuff unless they are known to you. Of course they is always an exception, but it is the norm. Anyway, that's beside the point, no one is obliged to help any one else. IN the Nakumatt fire tragedy, two of the victims live in my estate. It was a sad affair. Someone went round distributing a flier that members of the estate should each contribute Ksh. 1,000 towards expenses and stuff. And our household will contribute. What's my point is, in this world when all is said and done, we need people as much as they need us. It just doesn't seem to occur when it's the other person that needs you.

 

Which brings me to another thing, friends. I have few friends i can tell genuinely know stuff about me. Infact i can hardly count 3. Because most people are so obsessed with themselves and their problems or lack thereof that it is hard to let them in to your life. Most people just don't care about the other person, they go and on about stuff because they are usually the most important person. Usually i will just listen. Infact that is my specialty. I just cut down the time i spend with a person. I don't care what you give to me, i believe friends are supposed to know as much about each other. Friendship is sacred. A friend can build or destroy you without your knowledge.

 

So today, get out of yourself and think about others more. They will notice. Trust me

 

PARENTS AND FINANCES

 

Inspired by this post

http://fabulouslybrokeinthecity.blogspot.com/2009/02/parents-finances-what-have-you-received.html

 

When it comes to finances, my parents are the best. Even if i still live at home, due to circumstances that are not really in my control. Nobody makes me feel like i owe them anything. My dad was abandoned early by his parents i mean financially, so i don't think he would like any of his kids to suffer the same fate.

 

Anyway my folks rarely ask me for anything. Not even the random "si ukuje na maziwa". Anything i give, is out of my own love and affection. Granted i do participate in paying some stuff especially bulk food shopping.

 

But that's me. My pals stories are different. One of my friends who uses her folks car over the weekday has to pay insurance for it and fuel it, which is ok granted that she is using it for hersef. What worries her though is the fact that when they take the car over the weekends, they use all fuel she has paid for and return the car at E. All the years she has been struggling with her school fees and her parents still had the audacity to send her brothers over to get school fees and shopping and stuff.

 

There is something most folks wont understand. The 20's years for most people is the time they acquire savings, investments, assets. How are they going to do that, if they expect kids to pay school fees and stuff ESPECIALLY if they are still able to do it themselves.

 

Most of my friend's parents are well off, i just don't understand why they expect their children to meet so much expenses just because they are employed. Do they know how life is expensive it is to live in Nairobi for their own. I know some people help their folks out because they truly can't afford to pay stuff on their own, which i would do if i was in the same situation.

 

But what about the times they can afford, do you think you should take their responsibilities for the younger siblings?

 

 

CREDIT CRUNCH

I have never talked about finances on this blog. However, i have to admit the credit crunch has caught up with me, apart from my usual job, i used to have 2 to 3 extra gigs going on every month. I can with a lil shame report that it is actually getting harder to get work these days. People are not spending as much as they used to and my field is the easiest to cut back on. I am not though going to cut on my savings and without extra income my budget will have to adjust a bit until things improve.

I plan on embarking on an expensive venture at the end of this year hopefully, so forgive my murderous deprivation, i hope no one gets hurt.

 

So things i am going to do;

 

1. My hair- One of my greatest extravagance has been on my hair. I have about 3 different types of treatments, hair sprays etc. I go to the salon every week. Savings expected; No more buying of treatments until the ones i have are over, salon visits to be reduced to once per fortnight. Let's say no more hair products till the ones i have are over. I just have this funny obsessive habit of buying hair products even when the ones i have in the house are half way. Same goes for skin lotion.
2. Less hanging out- because beer and cab fare is expensive when you have a tight budget.Now, i have to look for a new vice?
3. Carry packed lunch always- I do carry packed lunch but not always and as such every time i eat out in town, it costs about 200/= or more not to mention that you may catch some amoebas and typhoid on the way
4. Do calculated shopping; That is easy because hawkers are out of the streets and Ngara has too much teargas. The stuff you buy on the street only look attractive for a few days and then it goes to the big nakumatt bag in my bedroom.
5. Sadly no trips until the crunch is over. I wanted to go everywhere, Zanzibar, Malindi, now it will have to wait. Trips are expensive when all is said and done

I am considering having one of the pets Paris Hilton talks about. I know it is blonde to quote her but nonetheless

 

 "Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything."

 

And by the way no sorrys, this is not a pity party. Just adjusting to a hard life