Things that could possibly turn off any woman

In bed……………

In the usual style of G.I.M. (Girl in the Meadow) which I am sure by now are accustomed to, anything goes. She has been avoiding controversy and men baying for her blood since the post that declared Kenyan men cheap and the Artur fiasco of the gold (en) brothers, she is back with a not so bad one, just a few tips. Don’t take it personal please!

Shiroh had edged out G.I.M. It’s her time back?!

This post earned G.I.M many names gold digger just being one, Milo and Nick insisting I buy them lunch to prove that I never meant girls should not foot the bill (Which I did at a Nrb West restaurant) and ooh much more. Haiyaiii I was only saying the truth but still…….. I suffered!

Most of what I write here is from my girlfriends experiences as narrated to G.I.M. Resemblances to any characters…….you know how it goes.

Complete Turnoffs

Underwear

There are things we call “Cosi”, I don’t know what it means maybe costume or something. They go by many names but one of the most notorious ones is the COWBOY. For friggin sake, Cowboy? Wearing cowboy is an effective family planning method. One of my sources (yes, I do research!) says it is a complete turnoff. A grown man in Cowboy! What you say?

Boxers, boxers, boxers., Period!

Sweaty armpits

When they said a man should have a natural scent, did they really mean sweaty armpits? I dunno what’s the solution to this but c’mon wash up or do something! Just don’t suffocate her with your sweat. There are sweaty bodies everywhere, in the buses, co-workers and now you!

Your Super Ex-Girlfriend

Every man has this frigging story of the super-Ex bedroom super tactics. You know what brothers, sometimes she fak’d it till she made it. We are like that, it pleases you. Whatever rock n’ roll, up and down acrobatics moves she made is over! If you are not pleased now, say it! Super hints don’t work here. Talking about your super- ex, everyone has a supposed super –lover even if it’s just an imagination doesn’t say anything. If you don’t know this talk tortures the gals. How is it if the chic could tell you about my super ex was such a stud and he did elbow discovery (KM 2006) and much more. And you still haven’t discovered the insides of the thighs as yet?

Leaving the CD

CDs should be on reach. Enough said!

There is a forward email that advises men to leave the CD in the cars or rather that’s the moral of the story. Now that particular situation saved the day. Lakini how serious can a man be to leave the CDs in the wardrobe or somewhere else. Aaiih please. Unless of course it is unexpected but even so…..

Love first not lust fast

This one was inspired by this post by Supaflyshi

http://supaflyshi.blogspot.com/2006/06/mission-impossible-iii-getting-laid.html

Some men are greedy; others are not, most pretend not to be (which is all good).

It is the greedy ones that I am talking about. We spend about 6-7 hours cultivating hunger to eat a meal. And when the meal is finally on the table, we spend another 10 minutes giving thanks. Then finally consumption happens

Now there are some men (obviously they don’t blog), who like going for the meal first. They don’t want to cut the carrots, the kitunguu, fry the mafuta, and agonizingly wait for it to be cooked. They want the food immediately!!! Washindwe hao!

Obviously the hunter has to move slowly only pouncing on the victim when it’s quite unaware of the danger.

Anything else spoils the broth. Patience!!!!

Now over to the men, say IT! Just the way it is. I wish I was on both sides of the divide but I am not!!! Yeah I am as straight as the Babylon Tower.

(Peace out) What?

Side Bar

It has become hard to track down posts on KBW Aggregator for most of us who do not have internet access at home because the aggregator can only handle 50 posts at once. For this reason; new and not so new bloggers may want to register with Nchi yetu Daily and Keep blogging ya'll

Being A Kenyan

Before i whine further.

Drum Rolls

Telkom Wireless phone is the latest!. To hell Safaricom, To hell celtel!

You have lost touch with being a Kenyan, well slap you back to reality with a few tips. This post was inspired by a man in the bus today; he reminded me of how a typical Kenyan thinks.

Whining

Your capability to whine should be above reproach. All your problems stems from the fact that the government has not done something. You whine at the bank queues, you whine because the local askari clamped your car, you whine about the potholes in your estate, you whine about the traffic jams, you whine about corruption, you whine about greedy Mps, In short you whine, whine, whine until the cows come home.

And to make matters worse, you do nothing about it.

If I whine, I am just being Kenyan.


Dreaming

You dream when one of your own is going to be in power. You dream when you will ever get to a position where you can steal as much cash as possible and problems will go away. You dream of when a friend of yours will get to procurement and hence all tenders will go to you. You dream your children getting very rich and sorting all your problems; health, education of their younger siblings e.t.c. If a woman, you dream when the rich man will come to solve the poverty puzzle. You dream that as you are walking a limousine will stop by the roadside and ask you if you would like to go in. You strategically dine in Safari Park to make sure the right person comes and fulfills your getting rich dream.

You dream that the next president will be better than the current one. You dream that he will give you white collar jobs. That he will dish out money, forgetting those who made money last regime, have made more money this regime. It’s all about knowing where the money is.

You dream till you die. Never doing anything about it. Wake up Kenyans.

If I dream too much, I am just being the Kenyan

Drinking

A weekend is not one without favorite nyama choma and beer. Wonder at Breweries 1 billion dollar capitalization. We drink, we make merry. If your birthday we just buy a few beers and celebrate. In fact if you are businessman, you can count your networking escapades in the dark areas of karumaindo bar down river road, at wee hours of the morning. That’s where they clinch the deals.
Again If I drink, I am just being Kenyan.

We are a drinking nation and proud.

More Peculiar habits

Chewing the toothpick long after the nyama is over 2 hours before.

Flashing anonymously

Fighting to get into the matatu and out of it (what’s the hurry brothers and sisters)

Picking the nose

Spitting saliva on the streets (yuck!)

Urinating in places written “Usikojoe hapa”

Always either asking the persons other name or where they come from, then proceeding to make jokes about the tribal stereotypes. Like “Nyinyi Wakikuyu mnapenda pesa”.


Having all these “please call me thank you” from strange numbers.

Borrowing other people’s newspapers to read in the matatu (I am a serious culprit). Go buy your own!

Looking for affiliations with high powered persons (Kibaki is my relative, just imagine)

Insisting on boarding an already full vehicle

Not belting up

Making heroes out of what would be societal rejects anywhere in the world

Throwing stones at real heroes

Asking for services to be rendered and refusing to pay for them (Being in the services industry, I know this one pretty well). Money first, services later! Wonder no more why prepaid services are in vogue. Even KPLC wants to start on prepaid. And for post paid, the deposit is hefty, you are well known defaulters.!

Insisting to be allowed to do something which is not allowed or is illegal.

Much more...to be continued.

Celtel, Safaricom

Are Celtel & Safaricom milking our pockets dry? Talk is Expensive

If there is anything that gets to my nerves is Celtel Adverts. So today in the morning I saw a car with bright yellow and red colours screaming. Join. Our World.

And I couldn’t help wondering if Celtel has not hired a Tanzanian guy to do their adverts. No Kenyan advertising a Mobile Phone Company would come up with adverts such as those of Celtel.

And then does a Furahi day campaign saying calls are 11/= throughout the weekend. As I was preparing to buy a Celtel line it hit me I already call for the same amount of money in my Tarrific Tariff. Whither?

Losing out to Safaricom

I bought my first mobile phone in the year 2001. At that time the craze was Kencell. So you guessed right me and my family bought Kencell lines. And we enjoyed the clarity. But then the Per Minute Billing effectively killed Celtel. Friends from Safaricom would endlessly boast about Safaricom’s per second billing. Kencell subscribers felt cheated. You would talk for 1 minute, 1 second and get charged for the whole minute. By the time Kencell introduced per second billing, the damage was done.

In Kenya, there is one thing you cannot underestimate, the ability of family and friends to influence brands. The thing is mostly people communicate to their friends and families unless its business. So when we decided to ditch Kencell it was a major move. Everyone I knew who was a Kencell subscriber switched to Safaricom. Not even the poor network that persistently befalls Safaricom on Friday could re-switch the subscribers to Kencell.

Customer Service

Safaricom’s customer service may not be the best but it was always free. I cannot remember the last time that number 100 went through. Kencell started on a wrong footing of charging for customer service. I haven’t used a Kencell line for ages but the day the company decided to stop charging for customer service, it was crap. Enough said. Not to mention Safaricom’s numerous customer care centres in town which took Kencell a while to implement. Wrong start, AGAIN.

Campaigns & Social Responsibility

It is not lost to me how much money both Celtel and Safaricom are investing in these two areas. In fact every major event in town with massive media coverage has to be sponsored by either. Once Barclays’ shareholders complained that the company was spending too much on Corporate Social Responsibility.

CSR is too important to the society but can’t some of that money that Safaricom is spending on campaigns and CSR be used to lower down calling charges. Sometimes Safaricom will lay out for a whole week about 2-3 pages of adverts in the papers. And a whole page advert in the newspaper costs quite a bit! And yet we pay exorbitant charges to these mobile companies.

Don’t get me wrong, CSR is a major boost to the society but should it be at the expense of the customers. Does that not amount to Robin Hood theory? Some causes are worth, some are not. They have to put stringent measures to know which are. I am a strong advocate for CSR but my pockets are suffering.

This month I bought a magazine called Business Post courtesy of BKNN (Bankelele News Network). The EABL is worried that a Kenyan discretionary income is up for grabs. A person will now opt to buy a Safaricom Scratch card worth Ksh. 100 instead of a beer which will cost about the same amount of money. Of course that saves our livers.

But you see communication in Kenya is damn expensive! Telkom’s unreliability does not help. But again there is Flashcom and Popote wireless. Can everybody hook up with Flashcom or Popote and be home early then Safaricom will lower their charges. But we can work around that one too.

“Please flash me when you are home then I will call you back”

I am such a Kenyan!!!

Digression 1

Nakumatt supermarkets did a great job for the St. Francis Kids the orphan home in Karen. They donated 67 Mattresses. So CSR does help the society. Don’t get me wrong.

Celtel Launches a One Tariff

Peculiar Habits of the Kenyan people:

It is in itself a milestone for Celtel to launch a one tarrif for the East African Region. Though I don’t know why particularly the tariff was launched but my main guess would be to attract more customers. Safaricom and Celtel are in a cut throat competition for subscribers.

But there is this habit Kenyans have. They will buy two lines, Safaricom & Celtel. When its time to call Celtel they put the Celtel line. So my guess is as good as yours; when the Kenyan wants to call Celtel Uganda, they put the Celtel line, talk and slip back the Safaricom line.

Mr. Gerald (CEO Celtel), you just like Michael Joseph have to understand peculiar habits of the Kenyan people.

And Kenyans call during the night

Business men and high profilers hook the post paid deal which charges them Ksh.10 for each minute they talk.

Small digression
Imagine talking for one minute costs Ksh. 10, one hour 600/= and 24 hours 14,400/=. And you say Talk is Cheap!

The local mwananchi like me does not attempt to call during peak hours unless there is an emergency. I remember with nostalgia when calling after 11 p.m. was 5/=.

Please let us call after 11 p.m. for 5/=. Attention: Michael Joseph