Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Peculiarity of Kenyans

So i was having this conversation with a few people in the morning. I realized the turning point for Safaricom was the "Kenyans are peculiar" statement by its then CEOMr. Michael Joseph. We talked about Equity and Barclays. Where Barclays closed branches in several parts of the country, Equity opened them.

There are few things you cannot do;get into the mind of Kenyans. You must be willing to do understand the market. Granted an idea may work well in France or South Africa, but there are a different people and culture.

In Kenya a lot of investments even at the NSE are done in "a pata potea" manner.

I listen a lot to my dad. He is your perfect Kenyan mind. He is the one that led the onslaught on the Kencell popularity on our house. In a matter of time, we all made the big switch never to go back. He is a lead user of MPESA. He definitely has an equity account despite his remarks on the stability of that bank. He likes the fact that he can walk with his log book into the bank and walk out with money.

One, Kenyans love simplicity.
Do what you may, just make it simple.

It is not easy to open a bank account. You need a letter from a referee and a utility bill. I wonder just how many rural Kenyans have electricity bills. Last time i checked in my village, there was no water neither electricity bills coming. So Equity asked them to come with their copies of ID. And come, they did. When they did well, other banks warned they were treading on dangerous ground.

Check your regular Barclays/Standard Chartered requirements for a loan. You will be forgiven to think you are dealing with the CID. There are a few fraudsters granted. But just like the way the US treats aliens (sic) with the attitude that they are potential extreme Islamists ready to bomb them any second soon, banks tend to treat their good customers like fraudsters/defaulters. KIVA.org, a site that loans to small scale people in Africa has hardly reported any defaulters.

Just to make sure that this talk of peculiarity of Kenyan is not just talk, i headed to the CCK Website to check the Statistics. This is what i found;

Market Share in the telecommunications sector in Kenya


Safaricom- 68.6%

Airtel- 14.3%

Orange- 10.8%

Yu- 6.26%


Numbers do not lie.

Call Rates for mobile service providers

Safaricom- On Net 4 /= Off Net 5/=

Airtel - On Net 1/= Off Net 3/=

Orange- On Net 2/= Off Net 4/=

Yu- On Net -Free Off Net (No details)

Seems like these other mobile providers should stop competing on prices and enhance their brand visibility and "Kenyan-ness". As to how, you must go back to the real Kenyans and get to know what they want/think.

Monday, October 31, 2011

The apparent lack of charm in Kenyan Men

Ok another male bashing post! Not really. Just check out these two videos of two men, one Kenyan and another Tanzanian telling their lover to wait as they are stuck in traffic. Having said that did anyone notice the lack of Bongo Music everywhere?

Jam na Kam- Rabbit




Pi Pii- Marlaw

Friday, October 21, 2011

Customer care- When will they start caring?


I love dealing with small business, i know the big businesses are taken care of.

Thus my heart breaks everytime , i visit these outlets. I know that though i am patient and resilient with these businesses, a lot of people wont be. It is

  • The inattentive MPESA agent- I have the option of using an ATM but they just don't seem to care.
  • The tailor who won't keep their promise- I have the option of buying from the thousands of malls in Nairobi.
  • The hair dresser who overbooks and keeps you waiting- Too many hairdressers in town
  • The hotel that wont give you change unless you ask for it.
  • The gardener who does the shoddy job.
  • The shop owner who won't smile at customers or rude to the customer.

Eventually these small business run out of business. Not because of capital or all those fancy things people at SME conferences talk about but because they don't know just one secret. That Customer is King. That is a constant. In contracts we use the term best endeavours. That as a business you will do anything and everything in your power to satisfy the customer, sometimes even at your own cost.


Monday, October 17, 2011

Soap Operas


I find myself watching Mexican Soaps despite the fact that i have quit them over and over again. When i am not obsessive about them, i do find myself entangled in the drama. For starters, they are all over our TV stations. For a while, i predicted rather wrongly that there would be Mexican Soap fatigue. I guess not. You have to agree with me, just like the outrageous Naija movies showing all day, the night belongs to the Mexican soaps.

I have wondered why our script writers do not manage to capture the same kind of grip on their viewers.

Currently i only with dedication watch Changing Times which comes on KTN on Tuesdays 8.30 p.m. and sometimes catch the Mother in Law on Citizen TV on Sundays. I catch Machachari a few times too on Wednesday on Citizen TV. I stopped watching Makutano Junction (another former favourite), either i lost the plot or they did.

After self introspection, i have come to the sad realization that this among many other things is the reasons i am enamoured and several of others with these soaps and others with Naija movies. Maybe our local scriptwriters/producers or whoever comes up with all those shady scripts can learn;


Creation of extreme emotions of love and pain.

The writers of Mexican soaps/Naija movies are ruthless! They can give a character so much pain. And where there is love, there is abundance! Then, there is the hot guy who is brilliant (successful) and hot and hot and the extremely poor girl who must go through extreme pain to get to her man.Rich man, poor gal. Same story over and over again, executed with ruthlessness and brilliance!

The two things that we as human beings attract and avoid

It is said that human beings avoid pain at all cost. They have know to tell the story that all pain must come to an end and is replaced by the blissful marriage that happens at the end of the story line. They know that the poor gal must marry the Rich boy. The cruel never goes unpunished. That is the essence of every human hope. That you cannot get away with evil. They satisfy the human spirit always. I know there are many people who do not watch Changing Times but there was this love triangle when Patricia was fighting with Lisa over Arnold. Patricia managed to scheme her way into the man's life, then WON! When the day came to choose, Arnold chose the master lying schemer. How now? That for me was the anti-climax of a love triangle! How boring.


Stretching the characters either as a victim or villain

Our script writers are lazy/boring. Take for example (another one) Changing Times where one character can go missing for even 3 episodes, you can't even tell who are the lead characters. In Mexican Soaps, the lead characters, lead the program. Every other character is related to them in a way. T



Creating beauty and ugliness with equal measure

If there is anything to notice is the fashion and beauty of the characters. Lots of make up and jewellery. The characters must look out of this world otherwise they would just be like the rest of us.

Exploiting poverty and opulence

The victim usually the poor girl must lead a life of deep pain and sometimes abject poverty. She must probably been abandoned on birth and raised in a humble background. The guy on the other hand always has an opulent life. It is the houses, the cars, the clothes that make the difference.

Creating culture

By watching a Naija movie, you can tell that the Nigerians believe in culture, in their exaggerated outfits, big houses, witchcraft, you cannot fail to tell that art imitates life. What culture is there to be told in Kenyan soaps? You can tell by watching the Mexican soaps that catholicism is a major deal and of course serenading your woman!

I remember a proggie way back in the early nineties called Tausi that kept everyone glued to their TV or their neighbours. Do you?

Remember this song? Enjoy

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Honoring the late Professor Wangari Maathai

I think it can generally be said that you will never know how great you were until you die..

Everyone is shocked to learn that the Great Prof. took her last bow on 25th Sep 2011. I felt very heartbroken! Not that i knew her in person just the realization that the Nation had lost someone great. Who will defend our environment was the first question in my mind.

This is to ask anyone who can come out and honor the late Prof to do so on Saturday October 1st, 2011. She deserves it. It doesn't really matter what you think, your actions that day will count. Never mind you never planted any tree before, she is no longer here to do it for you! So get out, get your shovel and watering can and plant a tree, heck even 30!


Go to these links for more information!

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=293149220701311


http://akenyangirl.wordpress.com/2011/09/26/wangaritrees-update/#comments

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Basic Needs

The culture of clande is upon us. Indeed upon many nations. It is not long time ago i read that Arnold Schwarzenneger was spotted wearing a Tshirt, I survived Maria Shriver, all pun intended!




Again there were men complaining no matter how much they provide for their women, they never appreciate!

Dear men and women, save yourself all the stress. Either don't get married as the bible says or if you do just realize;

1. Money cuddles a woman not! So you have given her all she needs, taken her/your children to the best schools, and what's the problem?

2. Taking care of his children/ironing his clothes, cooking his food does not equate to loving him- anybody can do that! You have a permanent headache every other day and then you are livid when you discover that he has been looking elsewhere wow! You must credit the man a healthy dose of self control. Any woman, ok most women can bear children, cook for the man and wash his clothes and better than you can do, Wake up!

3. You should take all my bullshit after all you are my wife/husband- To many, once you marry someone it is time to get all your worst side, unleash it on the poor guy/girl and expect him/her not to flinch. I was once in a car with this couple and the lady was talking down the man. She went to the extent of calling him a whiner, all in my presence. They are in their first year of marriage. Ok, so you start calling your SO names and expect their loyalty, trust forever, because the Bible said so. Guess what, the Bible says a lot of things, mostly contradictory.

4. The Emotional abuser- It's easier to heal a physical abuse than to heal the emotional abuse. Days, years of putting down a person and withholding sex, food for whatever reason/mood/emotions you feel like..Don't be shocked when the man/woman walks without looking back. Get all your claws out all you want.

5. Fulfill a person's basic needs and he will probably not look elsewhere. The basic necessities of food, love, compassion, sex, the feeling of being wanted (not needed! ).

That said, I am not an expert here . There are some hapless souls who no matter what you give them, they will still look elsewhere. Maybe the first basic problem is Why did you marry? To complete your life. If the answer is yes, that's where you get it wrong. You are complete, you only need to be complemented.It takes a lot of work to work on yourself. Do it before you get into the complicated institution that is marriage!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Being African (poor) can be good for your health

There is a guy called Muli Musyoka. A trichologist, i am sure...He works for Haco Tiger Brands! If you have watched that cheesy Miadi advert, you probably have seen his salon which only uses Miadi Products.

It's this guy giving instructions in these video;



Anyway, that is not the reason why i am writing this post...neither is he the reason of this post. He is cute, yes. I read an interview of his in the True Love Magazine, August edition. Anyway, this guy used to walk from South B to Ashley's back in the day when he was in college, these days though he flies and drives everywhere.

The one horrible thing that happened to our writers and indeed most of us Africans is taking our behaviours, traditions and customs as a sign of being poor. Indeed, such a contrast of Mr. Muli Musyoka having to walk to college vis a vis the fact that he now drives and flies everywhere. The consequences of the former is good health and bones, of the latter, Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT)

Statistics which i don't have for now shows that lifestyle diseases were non-existent in Africa. Unfortunately that may not be said today. Lifestyle diseases are catching up with most at the tender age of 40 years.

With the lifestyle we live, Kuku porno, chips, choma, no wonder the increase in these diseases . And guess what, it is because our indigenous food such as cassava, nduma, sweet potatoes all healthy foods are deemed "poor foods". On the other hand bacon, sausages, biscuits and manufactured juices are the "rich foods", forgive everyone for wanting to be "rich".

Ditch the rich and join the poor diet and your body will thank you for it, years on. And ooh it's never really healthy to drive and fly everywhere!

To read more on Health and Nutrition, Arimi is actually more qualified to give advice especially on why your tomato sauce does not really need tomatoes.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Weight issues



Look at this man! Now look at me:). Anyway, this man has just been adding weight day by day while a crisis looms. It is interesting how the mainstream media chooses its villains.

Did you know that there has been a National ID crisis for the past one year. This means that;
No passports for students who would like to study abroad. A "Waiting Cards not accepted" notice is non display at the Immigration House passport office.

No opening of bank accounts

No visit to some buildings

No identification of whatever kind

No admission to college


In brief, we have an identification crisis and it has just gotten lip service on the mainstream media.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

The Nairobi Drivers



Every time i am on the road, i always imagine if i had road rage, i would be forced to shoot someone! These are just some of the characters i encounter-

1) Mr Adventure
This guy loves the adventure of being on the wrong side of the law. He can tell you tales of playing cat and mouse with the police. In many cases, he will tell you of all the wrong turns he has made and the police chases. In fact, there is a high chance his driving licence has been confiscated by the police. Keep away from this guy. He will probably have a hit and run some day.

2) Mr. Idiot

This guy is simply an idiot! He tries to overtake on corners, speeds up just when you are about to overtake and would rather die (ahem Kimunya) than give you way.


3) Mr. I don't care


This guy simply does not give a damn on the kind of snarl up he causes when he obstructs traffic. You will often find him blocking other vehicles from accessing the main road while he only is going to a side road.


4 Mr. I don't really know

The guy you really wonder if he ever stepped to the inside of a driving school. He may show tendencies of Mr. Idiot and Mr. I don't care at the same time.


5. Mr. my car knows its way home


1...2....7...............10 too many drinks and the car knows its way home. This guy will probably wake up next to one of those large heaps placed by the Chinese contractors on Thika Road. Those that help you discover the STOP sign just when you break infront of the large heap of red soil.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Top 5 pop hits

Must say i love the music.

My top 5 favourites pop hits.

Love Lockdown- Kanye West



You know I'm no Good- Amy Winehouse




Britney Spears - Slave 4 U



Nsync- This I promise you



Usiende Mbali - Juliana Kanyomozi

Thursday, August 04, 2011

What's Love Got to do with it?

Britney & Kevin Federline



1998- 2000 Britney Spears was the pop princess. She broke record after record. Everywhere you went there was the "Oops i did it again". She married her dancer Kevin Federline, now called K-Fat in 2004. 2 years later, 2 babies later, she filed for divorce. In February 2007, Britney shaved her head. Her era was over. She was then committed a psychiatric ward (2008). It has been downhill since then, with her father controlling her estate as her conservator. Well, the troubles of Ms. Britney Spears are well documented.

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown



Whitney was the greatest star i knew of when i was a child and teenager (well apart from MJ). She married Bobby Brown who was a star himself in 1992. In the late 90's several reports of Whitney engaging in drugs and Bobby being violent towards her surfaced. By mid 2000 i received an email which asked us to pray for Whitney. She has never really recovered from her drug problem. It is rumoured she has emphysema.

Amy Winehouse & Blake Civil Fielder



The two who believed were made for each other were married in 2007. Amy had a very successful back to black album. From there it went south as Amy engaged in brutality, drugs. She was to die alone in her apartment this year. Blake is still in jail.

Closer home Esther Arunga and Timberlake



She was a fast rising TV star. I loved Esther Arunga. Her demeanour, presentation and softness. She broke many hearts when she declared her love for the phony Timberlake, quit her job and well into oblivion.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

In the Mind of a Capitalist- Trying to catch up



There is a new crop of the middle class in Nairobi. Backed by available loans and a taste of the good lifestyle, they drive fine looking cars and live in enviable neighborhoods. They probably own the apartments they live for which they have mortgaged most of their income.

This group of people are delusional, they try to live the life the wealthy do only that they is a stark contrast. They have no real wealth. They thrive on flossets not real assets. They are yet to capture the imaginative mind of the capitalist.

Just like our Members of Parliament, they are going to end up poor and will pursue their retirement benefits relentlessly.

Because being a wealthy person requires a long thought process, endless learning and skills to acquire. Only by observing can we learn. The wealthy spend hours in pub not just to enjoy a good beer, but making the deals. It is said that it is easier to get one hour of their time in the golf course than to get 10 minutes in the offices. They have created enviable business streams. They are in every sector of this economy where it matters. They have major interests in the food sector, energy & Power and health. Infact for a guy like Uhuru Kenyatta, his family controls over 33 % of the milk that is consumed in Nairobi.

Unless you are Uhuru Kenyatta, the best you can do is watch and learn. That should be a first step. However long it takes.

Anyway, we are analyzing the steps followed by the Capitalist and Middle Class act trying to catch up.

The Capitalist might have bought some real estate on Thika Road some 10 years ago when the prices were between 200,000- 300,000 per acre. The Middle class is trying to buy now at a cost of more than 5 Million per acre. Of course the capitalist makes a hasty exit to cash in on the property boom. The Middle class is trapped with a loan of Ksh. 5,000,000 at insane interest rates.

Meanwhile listed stocks prices are beginning to get affected by the inflation rates and the looming general election. The middle class while reading the signs begin to exit while the capitalist having cashed in, enters the capital markets at rock bottom prices and waits for a few years. Of course as my first broker told me the more shares you have, the more dividends you get. Quantity does matter. The middle class makes a decision not to invest again, after getting seriously burned.

The Capitalist starts looking outside of the city to see where next he could take his money. He enlists some professional advice to know where its going to be hot in the next few years. The middle class stays away from these places. In any case, nothing looks like is going on in these places.

To cut the story short, the capitalist ends up in the political power and influences development in the area that he bought a few years ago. The Middle class runs there and buys the same property 1000% more. The middle class at this point might be forced to start a civil rights organization, after all the NGO's make a lot of money right?


So the middle class guy loses most of his money in the stock market, high bank interests and a reckless lifestyle and is forever complaining about the gap between the rich and poor.

Also read
http://bankelele.blogspot.com/2011/05/cutting-big-deals.html

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The STL Controversy


Amidst the Norwegian bombings, something important happened or at least important to Kenyans. A young Kenyan woman has found herself in the midst of a controversy.She was chosen to represent Norway in the Eurovision Finals. A lot of people including Kenyans have expressed their feelings that STL is not Norwegian enough to represent that country.

She killed it by the way judging by the You tube video for her performance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Qx4RQwq7Og

What i feel is if she entered the contest and won, then i guess the Norwegian people felt that she was a true representative of their country. Never mind, the song is about a Kiswahili Methali Haba Haba Hujaza Kibaba (Little by little the jar is full) well, my interpretation.

I guess it is the same thing African felt when Shakira was chosen to do the Waka Waka song at the World Cup in South Africa.

But really, the world is flat these days, I don't understand the fuss.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Things on my mind

Inflation



With fuel prices moving up from Ksh. 96.00 to Ksh. 115.30, things are beginning to look thick. I think it's high time we printed the Ksh. 5,000 note as it is only worth a few things in the supermarket these days.

Is it a coincidence that fuel, food prices are heading upwards while the foreign exchange rates going up every other day. Such a time is when the CBK governor should give someone else a chance to see if things can be improved.

2012 Politics




There is so little to say about the current crop of politicians. I have no hope in them and do not think there is much to expect in the next 5-10years. Maybe they will prove me wrong.



Famine

It's a sad day in Africa, a sad day in the world. How can a continent full of resources be facing famine? As we speak hordes of people from Somalia are moving to the refugee camps in Kenya.

Amy Winehouse




Now this post looks all sad and groomy but how can i not mention Amy Winehouse! May she R.I.P. She was a talented singer and many have mourned the waste of talent but it seems as an African would say, her day had come. She fought with drugs for many years but she lost the battle.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

When blogging was fun

Was checking out my archived post and i found this gem


http://sylkwan.blogspot.com/2006/08/leo-faya-read-my-blog.html

Well this comment from Stackofstiffys

So Leo Faya read your blog? Big deal! I read you blog every once in while and I don’t see you announcing it to the world for all to see.

So also you think the Capital in the morning show sucks? Well knock yourself out, then catch the first train to Pluto where the radio shows rock, since Munene, Ted and Ngatia host the liveliest show. Frankly I'm getting sick and tired of people like you. You take the time to write a post in your self-effacing blog, talking ill of all the breakfast shows in Kenyan radio, so what d’ya listen to? Birds twirping? Two of those musketeers messed up the capital breakfast with Ciku (the same douche who’s now doing the same to Pulse) and DJ CK had to send out an APB and luckily landed Seanice.

Are you a rich bored housewife looking for some way to spend your time and your husband's money? Or are you just a blithering idiot? How the hell can you say: "I haven't listened to Seanice for long but i don't even think i like the way she talks….. High on Waragi"!? It is clear that you have never bothered to listen to the Capital Breakfast Show since those pieces of parchment Kalekye, Cess, Ciku and the musketeers were shown the door? You just got an SMS (not e-mail since you have to grab a mat to the office to access the web!) from another of your bored housewife buddies and you hitched a ride to the office and posted it to your blog! Ever been to Freedom Corner in Uhuru Park? You people remind me of some of the idlers there. "What are we protesting today?" What the hell is wrong with people today? If radio presenters hurt themselves or their employers, fine. The same goes for bloggers. But why do some people pick on talented radio presenters for entertainment? I understand the butchering of local artistes and archaic comedians for food, but your comments on the Capital breakfast show are just grotesque.

I feel sorry for Seanice and her capital in the morning crew. A handful of guys doing a good job earning their bread within all legal means yet they still have to deal with the unpleasantries of people who don’t like their show and yet they don’t even listen? It seems so simple: if you don’t like it don’t listen, be smart. Capital FM has been around long enough for me to say it’s not a passing fad. Seanice and Leo shouldn’t bother trying to explain themselves to people who just don’t get it (nor listen!). Maybe Capital FM isn’t for everybody, but it’s for me.

Sadly, there are no professional psychics in Kenya. So without you guys having the sense enough to tell what you hate about the show apart from who gets called for traffic updates and what refreshment the foreign presenter partakes, we're all really unable to help y’all at this point.

Shiroh et al: Should the gerbils running in the wheel attached to the generator in your craniums manage to crank it up enough to give you the mental might to tune in and listen to the Capital breakfast show: go to the office (but I bet you’re reading this from there, damn!) and email the Capital FM webmaster and the Capital FM breakfast crew with what you want improved, and they'll probably gladly help you out! It doesn’t pay to comment on something you know nothing about and then visit the capital in the morning blog to apologise, that just plain hobnobbing.

That’s my 2 cents.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006 12:39:00 AM

Good times those.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

On the gaydar!

The con of being a public figure is that most people feel the justification to think they know everything about you and sometimes say it a bit too loud for all and sundry to hear. The recent we have seen is in the interviewing of the Chief Justice. True be told, we are still are a very conservative society.

This is the tricky position Dr. Willy Mutunga has found himself in. That a stud on his left ear has become the basis on whether or not he is qualified to be a Chief Justice.

I guess if a Mr. Willy Mutunga had a twitter page, he would have tweeted live #thatawkwardmoment when your children are watching you being questioned if you are gay.

Maybe i can ask, What does Sex have to do with it?

Monday, June 06, 2011

Banking in the Dinosaur Age

I had the unfortunate event of losing my bank ATM and my cheque book. I bank with this Diva Bank

Until then, i was happily into our relationship. I loved the bank for the simple pleasures of no queues.

Then i lost my ATM.

This bank is as rigid as they come. They won't let you anywhere near your money if you don't have your cheque book. Worse still, i applied for a replacement card, and instead of a sympathetic " we will get you another one as soon as possible", what i got is a dismissive, wait for your ATM after eight working days and then her eyes rolled on to NEXT on line.

It's not that i expected that we would get into the emotions of losing your cards in a cash economy. Well, even if it was card, i was still out of luck.

Now, here i am 2 weeks later, no money, no cards.

Somebody let me know why this relationship is not irretrievably broken.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Only in Kenya

1. A very fit athlete fall from a balcony and die. Then the police peddle a suicide story. The wife also peddles a "he fell from the balcony" story. Truth be told, i just don't buy into all that crap. Being a lawyer, i can see very many conspiracies there. Paint the guy a womanizer and a reckless drunk who ultimately meets his death for his reckless ways:).


2. A magistrate not only declares the accused was found to be trading in shares while holding unpublished information and then declares him not guilty because there is no crime to it. There is one, it is called insider trading. SMH


3. Hasn't Barclays learnt anything from Uchumi. Why are they insisting on selling HIllcrest schools. Isn't the work of Receiver Manager to turn the business to profitability and then handover to its owners.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Blast from the past

There was a time living in Nairobi was an absolute pleasure. Forget that 200/= was all i had in my pocket at any one time. But boy did we party! No wonder they say party like it's '99.

Days when cars were really big

I remember going to Carnivore for rock nights in a london taxi, those that could carry around 10 people at a time. When having a friend who had a friend who had a friend who had a car was a luxury! Those were treasured friends in every outing. So we would get in , the 8 of us into the tiny old toyota (poor car! ) and ride to the rave. We went everywhere where there was a party. Be it Campus Nite in Westland, who remembers Archivos and queing outside K1 and their horribly mean guards!

Before the Raves became pubs
In the days raves were proper raves with dancefloors. Now, there are no raves but plenty of bars everywhere.

Days when one didn't have money to buy beer, but still got majorly wasted

Naingia K1 na minipack za safari!
These were the days when guys would drink their Safari cane and then get wasted before walking to the nearest club to buy 1 drink and dance their hearts out. One guy told me, after a night out he could hardly walk.

Days before Mututho

The days when partying started any time and ended when the sunrise beckoned. I mean has no one ever had to lift their legs up to allow the cleaners to clean in the morning or had breakfast before doing the walk of shame home with dirty jeans and sneakers.  My friend says there were three things that you didn't want to look at the wallet, the shoes and the jeans after coming from the rave. 

Days before the Bambas


The bambas (MILO(tm)) are the PYT's (Pretty Young Things) who have proven that you don't have to do anything much to get them to panty drop! According to what i have heard you just need to buy them 2 smirnoff ice and a chemicalizer (aka some shots) and you will have her biblically speaking at the end of the night.

The days we were still PYT's, guys would buy us fanta (no alcoholic drinks) and the most they got was probably a shika shika time at the end of the night.

Whatever has happened. Girls are begging to be chipod. Like i had this friend who went to the rave with a friend and she had a friend who was begging him to take her home, somethings are just wrong period. Not everything belongs to reversed roles, gender equality or not.


Days before Facebook and Twirra

You know you should all ya quit social network and know your neighbour!

Before FB and Twirra, we used to changa to buy one mzinga and piga stories the whole night and then walk to K1 to see the final boxing match between Lennox Lewis and Mike Tyson. The days when the person next to you in the matatu could strike conversation and possibly squeeze in a loose date. These days everyone is so busy on facebook and twirra to even notice the chic sitting next to them!

And at least no one dumped you by switching their status and de-friending you on facebook! When someone wanted to dump you they would have to call you, meet up and then change their minds after your flood of tears!


Ooh and when the all so self pompous didn't have a following on twirra! Who cares what you woke up to and what you are cooking for dinner. Really.








Tuesday, April 26, 2011

You can add this to the peculiarity of Kenyans

I have been doing a little research on what Kenyans go to do online. After a few Google searches (research! ),

1. Facebook
2. Yahoo Mail
3. Gmail

How useful is it for a business to have a website? Maybe to target foreigners.

So sad:)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Vague Hague

Once upon a time there was a famous white man who turned killing Africans into a sport. So he got away with it the first time then did it the second time. Well, you are right, his grandfather owned huge tracts of land in the Rift Valley province. He probably i hear had huge favours with the Queen of England. So he was released in record time. So he took up his rifle (i guess that's what use) and killed another one. I wonder what was going on in his mind (Just maybe this one is a monkey for real). To cut the story short, he spend a few of his days in solitary confinement as a result of the second round of shooting.

So there are Africans who too took killing Africans as a sport and stretched it a bit. This time killing over 1,000 of them. What should we do with them? I am not for the Hague only option. Let's do a hybrid, local and Hague (for the bigger players). I would hate to see only 6 people punished for a crime we are sure involved hundreds of people. And while at it, it is funny to see ODM now behave as if they had no any clue. Really, who doesn't remember "No Raila No Peace" campaign.

Whatever you do, do not take up killing Africans as a sport. No disputed elections is worth a human life leave alone a scorched hut.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

the White African- The Diasporan


This post is in no way reference to the great www.whiteafrican.com.

I have this friend i used to know many many years ago.

She went to America via the Village Harambee.

Her Visa expired but hang in there and got legal status ala the marriage to citizen way.

She comes back and tells me.

ooh how Fourth World Africa is (sigh).

How comes there is all this dusty roads (the earth's natural way is tarmacked, she must think)

I won't eat anything otherwise i will diarrhoea.

I am so scared of all these blacks in one place (bitch slap)

I can't wait to go home she says (where is home).

How do you in the world deal with this White African.

More white than white is.

She has acquired this accent that God knows where from.

I have met many ex-Ke Diaspora fellas but none like her.

It isn't a wonder that Africa (sic) is (gasp) Fourth world).

She suggests i move to America.

I wonder why.

I love being a Black African.

And i suggest, the earth is naturally dusty and artificially tarmacked.

God must have known you needed the soil to make crops.





Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The peril of the Middle income earner

Mr. Philip Kisia, the Town Clerk of Nairobi used funds from the City Council of Nairobi explaining among other things that only about 40% of the Nairobi population is an income earner.
 
Then he went on to say that apparently, since we are all equal, the ones who earn an income must sustain the ones who dont, if i read correctly.
 
So in that case, he has proceeded, after bargain to charge Ksh. 250 as a parking fee. He then asked us to visit his blog to let us know how the money will be spent. I can't seem to find that the part that the contracts will be awarded to his brothers/cousins/mistresses companies blog.ideasfornairobi.org
 
So all of you who took mkopo wa salo to buy your cars should not only be prepared to repay the loan at astronomous amounts of (16%-20%) p.a., pay fuel at Ksh. 96 per litre and a parking fee of Ksh. 250 per day. Let's call it the economics of owning a car.
 
 
How else are you robbed of your income?
 
The Government takes your 30%
 
The Government takes your 16 % on every item you spend
 
The City Council of Nairobi takes another Ksh. 250 per day
 
So what does that mean about 60% of the income you will slave for cannot go to savings and/or investments. You will spend it, upende usipende.
 
Let's go further into this
 
House rent -15%
 
Food -10%
 
 
So eventually, 46%+25%=71%
 
The rest 29% go to the City Council of Nairobi, magazines, Wedding committees, unannounced guests entertainment, beer, Safaricom Airtime, Church offering, Fuel, relatives who stop by from the village and say they have no fare to go back home, that dent you caused on the road, unprecedented contributions and everything else an entrepreneur is trying to sell, including the pencils sold on the streets, socks, key holders, passport holders, knives,car air freshner.......
 
I am not even talking about those who pay school fees.
 
Someone tell me how people survive in Nairobi.
 
 
 
 

 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Every other day

Raila ejected from Ivory Coast (Daily Nation)
 
CFA Institute loses papers from Africa (Business Insider)
 
What will happen to Apple minus Steve Jobs (Times Online)
 
The other story of the person involved in a fight with a cop (Youtube)
 
The deathly triggers (Daily Nation)
 
I bleach my skin just like the white tan their skin Inflexwebtrust
 
Mustapha calls off engagement  to Marya (Via Facebook)
 
It's always somebody else problem (wikipedia)
 
Online shopping mostly facilitated by MPESA
 
www.rupu.co.ke (deals on items)
 
www.umba.co.ke (mostly household items)
 
www.totallytoto.com (kids stuff)
 
www.totspot.co.ke (kids stuff)
 
www.mystrawberrystore.com (deals in stuff from IKEA)
 
 
 

Monday, January 17, 2011

When you are conned; Dear Esther Arunga

Religion is the opium of the masses- Karl Marx

There is one thing you need to know. Women are gullible especially when the word love is mentioned and with abundance. Mostly a woman needs to hear she is loved often and that that man cares about her. Any man can have any woman if he can convince her he really does love her. The contrary is so applicable for men. The more a woman loves a man, the more the man doesn't want her. The story of our lives.

It's with this, i say forgive Esther Arunga. She has been conned by one of the baddest boys of our times, Mr. Quincy Timberlake. Typical, bad boy who can't even speak English.  Imagine some guy who goes throwing words like "I will make her happy forever" or something corny like that. See interview with Pregnant magazine;

http://www.kenyanmagazines.com/esther-arunga-quincy-timberlake/


It began here, with hot secrets and rumours;

http://hotsecretz.blogspot.com/2010/02/esther-arunga-in-cult-claims.html


The rumours were confirmed;

http://www.capitalfm.co.ke/lifestyle/entertainment_news/local_e-news/4673-Esther-Arunga-weds-Quincy-Timberlake.html


Then her life went down in this manner;

She quit her job
Sold her spa
Married a phony
Now a mother to mini-phony

Not how her parents envisioned her life would be i am sure. If they are just like any other parents, they must have done several harambees and you know talked to a few aunties and uncles to send her study in Australia. One day, they envisioned she would be a lawyer and make the mulla. Well, she did even better. She became the symbol of the composed sophisticated news reader who caught our attention. Mine, mostly admiration. How could a woman be so confident. Well, she didn't even look like she cared if her hair had moved a bit.

Lots of interviews, threats, court cases, political parties and vice presidential ambitions later, a man spoke. His name was Hellon. He confirmed what we knew, that a Mr. Timberlake was a CON. No explanations offered. See Media Madness take on this

http://www.frankierants.com/mathari-iko-mid-term/

The best characteristic of a CON is that he believes everything is possible. Think of that Shinda Smart early text in the morning reminding you that you could be the winner of Ksh. 6Million, only if you send that text. Endless possibilities. Think of the love song lyrics "I will go and bring you the moon" . If you think Esther Arunga is foolish, then all the rest of the Kenyans sending all those texts are as foolish as they come. The con made her live in a bubble. Her world was perfect with him, or so he wanted her to believe. And if so, why should she care about her job or her spa. Then one day she will wake up and realize that reality is beckoning and that's the day her whole world will crumble.

Fairy tales ladies and gentlemen are the things minds of women are made of.

Recommended TV series
Lie to me

P/S If you ever read this Esther Arunga, just dust yourself  and move on like it never happened. Don't even discuss it.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Quote of the day


"I am a simple person who follows a strict habit. I wear only Hugo Boss and Zena designs right from socks to my shirts. I use the same routes and almost change lanes at the same spots. I love cars."
 
Ahmednassir Abdullahi
Lawyer

Friday, January 07, 2011

Africa is not

I am blogging from a matatu. I should take a matatu more often, every
time i do so, i get so ,many ideas. F driving in nairobi, it is a soul
sucking exercise. Anyway, back to my topic. Just a simple rant, dont
ask where it came from. Africa is not a condition. I read some blog
post that seem to suggest so. We are just a bunch of people conceived
and born in the same way as every one else except for our color
skin.corrupt as hell and yet, the same as you. Forgive us for thinking
that a service must be rewarded with splitting of the profits which by
the way fyi some one got by overpricing. End of rant